a year ago…

In the midst of transition I often find it encouraging to look back and reflect on my thoughts and feelings from the last few years. I have kept a journal on and off for most of my life because I find writing my thoughts down therapeutic. But I also really enjoy re-reading my thoughts years later and remembering what it felt like in that moment and learning. Today, I came across something I wrote while visiting some really great friends before we left for Kenya just over a year ago. Its a pretty raw and honest journal entry, so I’m nervous to post it, but I find it necessary to do things that scare me. Could be a sickness I have, but here goes,  my thoughts from August 25, 2011.

August 25, 2012  - I went for a walk tonight because I was feeling stir crazy. I get that feeling quite often and feel like I either need to go for a walk and pray or sit and read my Bible. I feel like I’m searching for calm in during this transition. I’ve talked about moving to Africa for years now. I dream about it and long to do something useful with my life. I want to know that my choices in life made a difference for someone. If I’m totally honest I would like to my life choices to make a large difference in a lot of people’s lives. When people hear what Kris and I are planning to do, I’m often met with comments like “wow that’s so great, you are going to do amazing things.” Or “You are so brave and selfless to go and give of your time.” I don’t know how to respond to most, do I agree with them? Yes, it is great that I’m going and I’m a saint for giving my time and talent to those who have nothing. That feels horrible and not what I feel in my heart at all. Some days I am so pumped to go that I can agree and not feel like I’m getting a pat on the back for my good deeds but be genuine about the work that I am going to be apart of. I can really get excited about clean water and basic health care. But then there are most days, like today where I feel fear and uncertainty and worry about the future and if I’ll feel the calm I’m looking for. This is why I walk. This is why I feel like I need to put one foot in front of the other, because I know that moving forward in the only way for me. Even if I’m scared and feel all the fears and pressures of moving from family and friends, and an independence that I’m really really fond of.

I walk to reconcile the urgency I feel to move across the world to a place I’ve never been, to people I don’t know and can’t speak their language to help in anyway I can. To reconcile the feeling of loss I have for the comforts, relationships, certainties, and stability I have here. All the things I have here make life so easy and comfortable, and boring and claustrophobic. Here, the culture is to settle down, buy houses, have children, buy and sell cars, get jobs, move up the ladder. As I write those things I feel sick inside.  But I have never wanted that. I have always felt there was more out there for me. So moving to Africa seems like the next step right? It’s not quite that easy to explain, but this next step in life has to be an adventure, it has to include the elements of life that I am truly passionate about. I need to feel like what I’m doing is for the bigger picture. And yet I’m walking tonight because I am afraid.

I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid that when we go to Kenya that I will discover that I’m not content doing development work, which is what I’ve gone to school for and focused the last 7 years of my life on doing. I’m afraid that I’ve pushed my husband to move across the world to a place where he will literally melt in the heat to do work that he may only be interested in because of me. I’m afraid for the strain that this move will put on my marriage. I’m afraid I won’t have anything to give to my husband after serving those who have nothing. I’m afraid of letting my passion for clean water and health care will dominate my life and my husband will feel second place in my heart. I’m afraid that he will be second place in my heart. I’m afraid of hurting him. I’m afraid of finding that this goal and passion is not what will be my life’s work and starting from square one again. I’m afraid of that feeling lost in life and not knowing what direction to head in. The fear in this transition is almost debilitating, and yet I can’t even imagine not going. I can’t even think about the “what ifs” of staying here. So I walk, one foot in front of the other. Moving closer and closer to stepping onto the plane that will take Kris and I to Kenya.
I feel lonely in this place. I’m lost in my thoughts about the future and my fears. I wrestle with the idea that I can’t give enough love. It seems silly once it’s written down but in my heart I feel like I could be the type of person that is not able to freely give love. I know that because I marvel and can’t seem to wrap my mind around the idea that God has so freely loved and keeps loving me, while truly knowing who I am and what I am capable of doing. It doesn’t make sense to me. And yet I want nothing more than to love like God loves. How does that happen? I long for that change in me. And my biggest fear is that I don’t have a large enough capacity to love those I am passionate to serve.

 

 

new endings and beginnings…

The winds of change are blowing. (pretty awesome start to the blog post huh) But its true there is some major change for K and I in the next few months. As it turns out we will be ending our time in Zimbabwe at the end of September. The Zimbabwe team is having to down size due to lack of funding, so K and I are moving on to another adventure. What adventure you ask? Well you are in good company because we are asking that very same question. We aren’t quite done with our international living (sorry moms) so we will continue to pursue other jobs beyond the boarders of the US. K and I have loved living abroad and all the challenges that come with it. Some days are rough because I miss family, friends, and Target, but we both know that we are right where we are supposed to be. I’ll keep you posted as I know things, but for now we are living it up in Zimbabwe. And speaking of living it up, two weekends ago we went camping at Victoria Falls. I used the term camping loosely because we slept in beds, but the beds were in a tent, so it counts. The falls were absolutely amazing and well worth the trip. We went with our colleague who is an amazing photographer and she captured some really great ones of us. I promise we aren’t posing, we just really like each other.   We also went on a sunset river cruise on the Zambezi. K kept calling it the booze cruise, but it was really amazing. We gently cruised down the river and saw amazing wild life. The Hippos were my favorite. And then the next morning we got up and had coffee and this really beautiful hotel that is up on a hill over looking a waterhole in the bush. Elephants often wander through to get a drink. Well we didn’t see any elephants but we did have a special guest join us for coffee. Monkeys are totally unpredictable and often dangerously aggressive. So we were all a little taken back that this mother and baby monkey got so close. And mother monkeys are the worst because they will do anything to protect their baby… but we gave her a little distance and control of the sugar jar and it all turned out okay.

 

It was a really great weekend and I’m so glad we were able to visit while we are still in Zimbabwe. Its crazy here but we are loving every minute of it.

large and small adventures…

We survived moving day. Well, just barely. Poor K made it up the driveway to our new house in Bulawayo right before he passed out. Well not literally passed out but he certainly pushed it more than someone with strep-throat should. K slept most of the day on Thursday while I tried my best to direct the movers with the rest of our team. I’m pretty sure he has had a fever for the last several days. If fact funny story. We left Friday for our visa trip to South Africa and normally fly out of the Harare airport to Johannesburg (Joburg). However, now that we are living in Bulawayo we are now flying out of the Bulawayo airport, which is a converted airplane hanger. Needless to say its a very small airport and security is pretty minimal. In fact I left my leathermen in my carry-0n and it was discovered in the x-ray scanner, no big deal I was allowed to take my knife into a room with all the checked luggage and slip it into my bag. Simple.

After than minor knife debacle it was smooth sailing until we landed in Joburg. We dis-embarked (I love that term) the plane and quickly got into the non-African residence line to go through customs. We’ve done this four times now so it’s not really anything we think too much about. However, this month at the front of the line there was a man standing behind this camera asking everyone to take off their glasses to have their faces scanned. No biggie I thought, things are always changing and you just have to roll with the punches. I got scanned no problem. K got scanned and the man politely asked to speak with him in private. Ok… not really that bad right? K came back in line and I inquired as to the conversation the two shared. K looks at me totally serious and says that he needs to go with the man to the airport clinic after he is cleared through customs. The camera which the man was standing behind was a heat sensor camera and it detected that K was running a fever. So in my not-thinking insensitive way I say “Well that sounds exciting.”  Little did I know that K had already gone to defcon 1 (which is the highest deacon, not 5), imagining quarantines and anal probes. His response was not so light hearted.

We were quickly cleared through customs and ushered to the airport clinic. K was directed to fill out some paperwork and then the woman behind the desk took his temperature with an ear thermometer. She acknowledged that he did in fact have a fever and that he was experiencing flu like symptoms, but okayed him free to go. We were in and out of the clinic in 5 minutes and to the luggage carrousel in no time. K turns to me once we were on our own again and says “That was close I was almost quarantined.” I in turn said “I know it was kind of exciting.”

Ah the adventures we have. I’m pretty sure our mom’s are doing some deep breathing exercises right now. Don’t worry Moms we are good. I currently am sitting at our favorite coffee shop in Joburg enjoying a beautiful coconut latte and loving free unlimited wifi. Life is good.

We are going on a big 8 day road trip through Swaziland and down to the coast for snorkeling beginning on Monday, but for now we are resting and loving our king size bed. K is on the mend and I’m loving every adventure large or small.

moving day…

Wednesday is moving day. We are moving six hours outside of Harare to Bulawayo. We still haven’t heard for sure about funding for our next project but we are moving anyways.

Our whole team is driving the six hours to our new home tomorrow after the moving truck is loaded. We are taking six cars… yes that means I’ll be driving. Driving a standard… across the country… awesome.

I’m hoping my truck is slightly less full than the above picture… but come on its great use of space. Of course you have to be pretty trusting of the driver not to stall out or jerk to a stop… like I said my car will be slightly less full.

This will be K and my third move in the last six months… I wish it was as easy has just lifting up a house and putting it on a truck. It looks like a lot of work but I swear packing in boxes and organizing it all takes more effort.

I should have thought to just grab a few close friends to help with the move. I could have ordered pizza and played music… it would have been a party. I’ll carry the pizza and radio and everyone can grab a corner. (Someone has to be responsible for the pizza and music and as the host of this moving party it falls to me.)

Send us your love tomorrow as we move… oh and I forgot to mention that Kris has Strep Throat… can’t talk… he is organizing this move in totally silence. Awesome. When it rains it pours. Happy Moving Day!

the great eye debacle of 2012 part two…

That knock came about 4pm when K phoned and told me he would not be able to make it home that evening. Several thoughts ran through my head. “What!” “No drops?!” (At this point I was freezing empty soda cans and placing them against my eye to numb the pain… needless to say I was really looking forward those drops) I tried to play it off that it was no big deal, cause I knew that K wanted to get home as much as I wanted him home that night. It just wasn’t in the cards. Driving at night isn’t recommended here inZimbabwe. Highways are extremely dangerous due to poor vision and car hijacking road blocks. Our team as a rule does not drive at night. So when K was doing the math on the hours he still had left to travel and the time the sun was due to set he knew he just wasn’t going to make it. I’m proud of him for making the right call… but at the time I was having a hard time seeing… literally I couldn’t see so much out of my right eye.

But being the strong independent type I told him to be safe and I’ll be just fine alone for the night. Now I’ve spent the night alone many times. I used to house sit all the time for friends and never thought twice. But of course it’s different when you are living inSeattleand can call a friend or my cousin Kenny to come spend the time if you get nervous about being alone at night. K knew I would get a bit nervous so he suggested having our housekeeper stay the night. Perfect idea, except I had just seen two women walk by with suitcases on their head heading for our housekeepers house; she had over night guests staying with her. (For the record I’ve never once seen her have overnight guests, but Wednesday night she had a full house.) And I had a very empty house. But I kept myself entertained with bad TV shows and perfecting my frozen soda can rotation so that my eye was always numb.

I went through the evening routine, greeting the guard that comes at 6pm (its always wise to be nice to the guy who guards your house at night) turning on the right lights and locking doors and closing windows so that bugs don’t come in. (I mean the bugs come in just at a slower rate if you close the windows) I was feeling good, the electricity gods were on my side because the power remained on the entire evening and I didn’t have to mess with the generator. (thank you electricity gods) It was getting close to 8:30pm which I’ve determined bedtime. (Not time to sleep but just time to be under my mosquito net in bed, don’t judge the night life in Gokwe is pretty chill, like there isn’t any)

I curled up in bed with my computer and began watching more stupid shows and listening for anything out of the ordinary. I was growing tired so I decided to turn of my computer and go to sleep. Besides the dreams of hatching bugs inside my body the night passed without any excitement. (which I am grateful for) K arrived just after 7:30am which stories I’ll leave for him to share. But I began the drops for my eye and saw results in the color and felt relief from the pain.  I had one last trip to visit some government officials on Thursday so I quickly thanked K for the drops and hopped in the car to set out for the day.

That evening we packed the remaining belongings of our little home and prepared to leave the next morning. We laughed as we compared our last move from our condo inSeattleto our move from Gokwe. Each move was stressful and eventful in its own way. I did miss all our friends coming over and helping pack like they did in ourSeattlemove. But we had way less things to pack in Gokwe.

Now we are inHararejust waiting to see if the proposal we submitted to OFDA will be approved. OFDA has given us a timeline of 4-6 weeks until we hear back on a submitted proposal. IF we get the green light then K and I will be moving down to a small town called Plumtree with a college of ours and we will be starting another rainwater harvesting project. If we get the red light well then we will have some decisions to make. Plans are very much up in the air right now but we are enjoying our adventure one day at a time.

school assembly, choir, and motto chanting…

I’m just gonna state the obvious. There has been a long silence pause here. You know us we’ve just been sitting around drinking fruit juice and working on our tans.  No, that’s not at all what we’ve been doing. But its sounds nice. I’ve had some rather exciting days going around to all the schools that Medair has been working with and officially handing over the rain water harvesting tanks to their care.

Most of the Head Masters have organized a group of school teachers, school development committee members, and a local environmental health techs to attend the handover and sign documents. They often request to have their picture taken to document event. Its a super fun part of my job to meet with the school’s officials and hear how these tanks have enabled their school to grow and meet the needs of both teachers and students. Most schools I spend about an hour walking around the tanks and signing handover forms with the schools. Its been a really great experiences. But did you notice that I said most schools… yes not all schools. In fact one school decided to put together an all school assembly.

I had no idea about this assembly until I drove into the school and saw that about two hundred students gathered around a tree waiting for me to arrive. As my driver pulled into the school he turned to me and said “You didn’t tell me this was going to be a function, I would have dressed up.” Before I could respond there was a group of teachers at my door waiting to lead me to my seat at the table in front of the assembly.

Sitting at the head table

The assembly was opened in a prayer by one of the members of the community, then the speeches began. The School’s Head Master, the school’s deputy, the Ward Councilor, the local environmental health tech, two members of the school’s development committee, and myself. Yes, that’s right, the Head Master turned to me and asked me to give a speech. I had a moment of panic but its not often that I have a hard time finding something to say. Actually it was super fun being able to speak directly to the students and tell them how important they are and how important it is that they have clean water to drink.

School's Head Girl reciting a poem on the importance of clean water

Several students recited poems they wrote about how important it is to have clean and safe water. Then came the dancing and then my favorite part of the whole event. The school choir. I have a very soft place in my heart for school choirs mostly cause I was in choir in school and love choirs. Seriously, if the words to the songs were in English and I knew them I would have joined them in singing. It was magical.

Dancing

The assembly finished with the Head Master leading the school in their new school motto. It went a little something like this:

Head Master: Sarah  Med-Air

Students: Sarah  Med-Air

Head Master: Denda (this is the name of the school)

Students: Denda

Head Master: Long live the partnership

Students: Long live the partnership

Head Master leading the school in their new motto.

I was then led out of the assembly back to my car by the same group of teachers who led me in. As we drove away all the students waved and yelled goodbye. Lets just say it was the highlight of my year.

sage advice…

“Could you give me some advice?” Came the question from across the pool in Cape Town, South Africa. I looked up from the book I was reading and saw that K was looking rather serious.

“You know cause you’ve been here and you are older and wiser.”

Now he was grinning but trying to keep it under wraps like he was being serious. On a normal day I wouldn’t generally take that from him but it was February 6^th, K’s birthday. So happily I played along and said I would glad to impart wisdom to his young and inexperienced life.  I think there was some kind of wisecrack about my being experienced but that was beside the point. K always like to remind me that I’m older… and for the most part this doesn’t bother me, for the most part. But this idea of being wiser has been in my head for the last few days. So here you go K, your official advice for your 29^th year of your life. Enjoy.

1)   Don’t buy cheap tuna… My mom told me this one and her reasoning was you don’t want to know what’s in the cheap cans. Sound advice if you ask me.

2)   It’s possible to find comfortable shoes that are cute… don’t settle for less.

3)   Learn to knit… seriously it’s addicting.

4)   If you don’t like a certain kind of food say you are allergic to it, no one ever pressures you to try something you are allergic to.

5)   Sing while you work… I would say whistle but we both know I can’t whistle to save my life.

6)   Write more letters.

7)   Color coordinate your books, oh wait I’ve already done that for you. Your welcome.

8)   Keep learning the message in Matthew 9:13

9)   A little bit of bleach goes a long ways.

10) Always try to try.

11) Plan for things to be harder than you imagine. (I’m still struggling with this one)

12) Always look to see if there are worms in your fruit before you eat it.

13) Do not wear the same color shirt and pants at the same time. Unless you are going to a white party or wearing black to make a statement.

14) Travel with a roll of toilet paper.

15) Have lots of adventures.

16) Everyone sweats, so don’t worry about it.

17) Be generous… not that you need to be told this.

18) Laugh a lot… cause it makes happy when you are.

19) Be spontaneous.

20) Buy something without checking the price… there is crazy freedom in it.

21) Tell the people you love that you love them.

22) Make lists.

23) Run for fun, not cause you feel like you have to.

24) Sing the wrong words to a song. (I dare you)

25) Take time to tinker.

26) Don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you are a firstborn but just try.

27) Dream big.

28) Know that sometimes its okay not to barder over twenty cents.

29) Keep car dancing, its my favorite.

Happy 29^th birthday K. You are more than I could have ever imagined as a best friend and husband. Life with you just gets better and better.

Love your older and wiser wife.

stuck in the mud…

Over the past several years I’ve been dreaming about a job that does not involve 8 hours a day at a computer. K has often reminded me that such a job was in my future; I only needed to be patient and confident that it would come. Well I’m not that patient and my confidence has wavered depending on the day, but the job did finally come.

Today this was my office.

Well it was my office for about an hour and a half. The rains have come to North Gokwe making the roads in some places challenging at best. We had to turn around and go a different way several times due to washed out roads or roads like this where you sink into the mud. I actually enjoyed being stuck quite a bit. I was able to chat with some of the community members who came to help. The man in the blue tank top in the picture  ended up bringing a team of 4 oxen to pull out the truck. It was awesome!

All in all a pretty great day at the office.

Gokwe, Zimbabwe

Yep, that’s right our new home is called Gokwe. K and I arrived to our new home Friday afternoon. We took the weekend to settle in and discover the nuances to living in rural Zimbabwe.  Its been rather exciting actually, I feel a bit like we moved to wild frontier. I’ve been thinking a lot about my Grandpa, and the stories he would tell about growing up on the farm and all the chores that had to be done to keep the place going. Every time I talk with my Grandpa about his memories of growing up he lights up, and you can clearly see that he loved every minute of farm life. I think that I’ve got some of my Grandpa in me because I am loving the rural setting and learning what needs to be done to keep our household up and running.

Mind you I’ve got a housekeeper, cook, and groundskeeper to help me run the place, and my grandpa didn’t. But still I’d like to think I’m living in the wild frontier. (Lets just pretend okay?) Alright, so I’m sure you are curious about our living conditions, so let me give you a grand tour of our beautiful homestead.

Our house in Gokwe

Does she just look so inviting, you just want to run up the steps and walk through the front door. Just make sure you wipe off your shoes cause that red sand can really stain anything. No seriously… everything I own is red.

Living room/ Dining room

Welcome to our front room. Don’t mind the Christmas decorations, I cleaned them up yesterday. Now I know what you are gonna say, you are dying to know where you can procure a green and white leave pattern furniture set for your very own. Don’t be jealous, here on the frontier we still like to live in luxury.

Gourmet Kitchen

Follow me into our spacious kitchen. With stunning western views there just isn’t a corner of this room that doesn’t scream cozy. It may look small and disjointed in the picture but you should really see it in real life. Out the kitchen door is the site for my new garden. K and I are hoping to grow a few herbs to use in the kitchen.

It needs a little prep work before I can start planting, but I’m sure you can catch my vision. I had planned on showing you a picture of our bedroom, but I hadn’t made the bed yet and our bags looked like they exploded, so I’ll save that for another time. Its just a bed with a net over it. No big deal.

K working on the hot water heater on the side of the house.

We’ve been having a slight problem with our hot water heater. The problem is that it’s not heating the water. However, seeing as it’s been in the mid to upper 80′s, taking a cool shower is not really a problem at all. But K is giving it his best… but no one is complaining.

The office which is located about 15 feet behind our house. Its a rough commute.

Last but not least on this house tour is our office. Its a separate building located behind our house. Its nice to have a bit of separation from home and work, but there isn’t a bathroom in the office so its nice they are not too separate. Also over the Christmas holiday a very large spider decided to make a home in our office rafters. No one seems bothered by him there, so I haven’t pushed for making him find a new home, but every so often today I looked up to make sure he was still in the same spot. Seriously, this is the largest spider I’ve seen in the wild. I’d take a picture of it but I don’t want to give my friend Livy nightmares.

Well that’s all for now. K and I just finished our first official day in the office and our heads are swimming with all the information that we have to remember. We are still very much in transition to our lives here in Gokwe, but loving every challenge.

and to the next adventure…

Okay I promised a recap of the training that K and I went through in Switzerland with Medair. Well I can’t really tell you much about the training itself because Medair asks to keep the details a secret. (I’m now apart of a secret society) But I can tell you that both Kris and I really love what Medair does and really felt like this is what our next step is. We left Switzerland with many new friends made and hoping that we could be apart of the Medair family.

So, we’ve been home about two and a half weeks and it turns out that Medair wants us just as much as we want to be apart of the organization. We received a job offer from Medair in Zimbabwe starting in January. Both K and I are so incredibly excited and ready for this new challenge. I’ll be working as the Zimbabwe’s team WASH Manager, which means I’ll be dealing with water, sanitation, and hygiene. K will be working at Project Support Manager. Both of these positions are exactly what we have been dreaming about.

So now we are enacting operation “December Travel”. We will be traveling to Switzerland in two weeks to attend a briefing with Medair. And then flying home for Christmas. Then we will be flying out for Zimbabwe in the first few days of January. Some of the dates are still a little fuzzy but we are working out all the details and will keep friend and family posted.

We are “pee yourself excited” with this next step and can’t to get our hands dirty.